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How To Drive Like A Moron

When there’s traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.

When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.

When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.

If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.

Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.

When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.

Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.

Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.

You always have the right of way.

Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.

Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.

Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.

While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.

Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living daylights out of them (in LA, shoot them).

If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay little attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.

Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles… like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.

Written May 1st, 2004 by | 1 Comment | Filed under: Miscellaneous Blog Tips

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There is One Comment so far to “How To Drive Like A Moron”

  1. What should I do if I find a sick or injured bird or an abandoned baby bird? ;-)

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