How To Be An A-Lister
Occasionally I like to use a little humor to make a point and today I was feeling the urge. It all started yesterday when I found another copycat blogger robbing me blind and what began as a rant on Twitter turned into a blog post. As you read keep in mind that beneath the tongue-in-cheek there are nuggets of truisms, and I promise if you follow these 10 steps you too can become an a-lister because this is how they did it.
So let’s have some fun and learn something along the way. Here are the top ten best kept secrets that your favorite a-listers don’t want you to know. I’m sure there is someone you know who fits this description.
If you want to be an a-lister then just act like a
hustler um, a-lister:
- First of all you will need a good foundation to build upon. Look around and choose friends who are of a like-mind to create your own self-serving
cliquenetwork. So much for social media being “social”. Oh well.
- Now give your network a cool name so that it will sound legitimate. While you’re at it give yourself the title CEO and upload a pic of you … arms crossed a-la-Fortune Magazine style. Looking good there. Who cares if you’re running your empire from your bedroom. Who’s to know?
- Hoard all those blog backlinks, likes and plus ones for your network buddies. Take turns linking to each other and agree on a schedule. Shuffle it up a little so that nobody catches on. Throw the occassional bone to a loser who sucks up the most to make it look legit. (And don’t forget to “nofollow” the link. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)
- Why stop there? Upgrade your new company to embrace all of social media. Stick the word “media” on the backend of your name (like BLOGBloke Media) and l’ouilla - you’re now a social media guru! Work those social networks for all its worth cause that’s where the sheeple hang out.
- Never (ever) preach about ethics. Teach them how to add affiliate links but forget about link attribution. It’s bad for business. That way you won’t have to set an example. What they don’t know can’t hurt you. And tell them to follow you blindly without question. Shun (filter) those negative trouble makers with extreme prejudice. That’s good for business.
- Be an ego-maniac. Promote yourself like crazy. Promote, promote, promote. Don’t be too proud to upload pics of your kids, wife and dog to show everybody what a real nice family guy you are. Smile for the camera…
- Write a book. Hell, everybody is doing it and you don’t even need a book publishing deal. So why not you? Looks can be deceiving and image is everything. Tip: Copy your old blog posts that you copied from the web. The next thing you know you’re on the New York Times Best Sellers list and being interviewed by
Larry KingPiers Morgan. How exciting. See you on the book tour.
- Don’t practice what you preach. Tell your readers to be transparent and happily give up their data. After all social media is supposed to be fun, right. Never discuss topics like privacy either. Remember .. it’s bad for business.
- Pretend to befriend people that you can upsell on the flip-side. Don’t be too eager either - patience is a virtue. Did I say “virtue”? Make sure your email marketing service is up to the challenge. I think they call it permission spamming.
- Last but not least (and perhaps the most important) pretend that you have all of the answers. Scour the internet for the best ideas on your topic and pretend it is yours. (They call it curating. Cool name eh.) You do that by not mentioning (hat-tipping) and linking (attribution) to your sources.
‘Gosh your smart. Can I follow you‘? (See what I mean.) Of course, brown nosing doesn’t hurt either. After you’ve become an a-lister don’t be a stranger (and don’t forget to link to me too). So now you know. (Snicker.)
Have I missed anything?